Thursday, March 15, 2007

SAVE ME A SEAT IN HELL, GUYS

PEOPLE I HAVE OUTLIVED
Barring some sort of ironic tragedy before the end of the month, I will turn 43. With this birthday I will have officially outlived Elvis.


Others I have now outlived:

SID VICIOUS, 21, OVERDOSE
BUDDY HOLLY,22, PLANE CRASH
LEE HARVEY OSWALD, 24, GUNSHOTS
JOHN KEATS, 25, TUBERCULOSIS
GRAM PARSONS, 26, OVERDOSE
ROBERT JOHNSON, 27, UNKNOWN CAUSES
JIM MORRISON, 27, PROBABLE OVERDOSE
JIMI HENDRIX, 27, OVERDOSE
BRIAN JONES, 27, DROWNED ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE)
JANIS JOPLIN, 27, OVERDOSE
KURT COBAIN, 27, COURTNEY LOVE
JEAN MICHEL BASQUIAT, 27, OVERDOSE
STEPHEN CRANE, 28, TUBERCULOSIS
DJ SCREW, 29, OVERDOSE
HANK WILIAMS, 29, ALCOHOL, MORPHINE
KEITH MOON, 32, OVERDOSE
BILL HICKS, 32, CANCER
JOHN BELUSHI, 33, OVERDOSE
CHRIS FARLEY, 33, OVERDOSE
LESTER BANGS, 33, OVERDOSE
JESUS CHRIST, 33, OVERDOSE, I MEAN, EXECUTION
JIMMIE RODGERS, 35, TUBERCULOSIS
ANDY KAUFMAN, 35, CANCER
MITCH HEDBERG, 37, OVERDOSE
VAN GOGH, 37, SUICIDE
DYLAN THOMAS, 37, ALCOHOL POISONING
SAM KINISON, 39, CAR CRASH
FLANNERY O'CONNOR, 39, LUPUS
DENNIS WILSON, 39, DROWNING ("DEATH BY MISADVENTURE")
JOHN LENNON, 40, MURDERED
LENNY BRUCE, 40, OVERDOSE
CHARLIE PATTON, 42, UNKNOWN CAUSES

and, of course, ELVIS, 42, "Multiple Drug Toxicity" which would be an "overdose" for the rest of us.

I'll see you guys soon enough.

If 27 and 33 didn't get me, I think I'm good for another few years. Also, I'm pretty sure Tuberculosis and Lupus aren't going to get me. Maybe "Death by Hamster"?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

VOICES IN MY HEAD ALL HUNG UP ABOUT THAT GIRL I KILLED
Won't shut up about her no matter how many times I bash my head against this solid-oak door frame.
"Why'd you choke her, why'd you choke her, she sure was pretty, why'd you wrap your nasty hands around her pale, pale throat and choke the life from her lithe young body before rolling her nude corpse into a hastily dug shallow grave, huh? why why why..." On and on with this holier-than-thou shit. Enough already, or I'll kill you, too!
STUPID CHICK WITH BLOG BUYS CAMERA PHONE, INTENDS TO USE IT "SO EVERYBODY CAN SEE THE NEAT FUN THINGS I SEE--LIKE THAT ADORABLE CAT-PILLOW OVER THERE"
"Oh, shit," said a friend when informed of the recent purchase.

ENGLISH LIT 101

STEINBECK'S CLASSIC "OF MICE AND MEN" REPLACES HEMINGWAY'S TIMELESS "OLD MAN AND THE SEA" UNDER WOBBLY TABLE LEG
BOYFRIEND TEXT MESSAGES STUFF HE'D NEVER ACTUALLY SAY
DERRICK SKITHADDLEBAD, 22, ROUTINELY TEXT MESSAGES "THINGS HE'D NEVER SAY FACE TO FACE IN A MILLION YEARS," ACCORDING TO GIRLFRIEND JANE ROBINS, 20.
"THIS IS A GUY WHO NEVER, EVER SAYS I LOVE YOU, AND HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE SHOWING THE SLIGHTEST PHYSICAL AFFECTION IN PUBLIC, BUT EVERY OTHER TEXT IS SOMETHING VAGUELY EMOTIONAL LIKE, 'MISS YA BABE' OR 'LUV YA' OR 'DEAR GOD I CANNOT LOSE YOU BECAUSE MY LIFE WOULD FALL APART AND DEEP DOWN I'M A VERY INSECURE LITTLE BOY AND I'LL DRINK POISON OR TURN GAY WITHOUT YOU.' I MEAN, WHY CAN'T HE JUST SAY THIS STUFF TO ME."
THE STUDIOUS, SOMEWHAT STUFFY SKITHADDLEBAD ALSO HAS A TOURETTE'S-LIKE COMPULSION TO SEND RANDOM MESSAGES OUT-OF-CONTEXT, ACCORDING TO ROBINS.
"LIKE EARLIER TODAY, HE SENDS ME THIS TEXT THAT SAID, AND I QUOTE, 'LUBE UP THE POOP CHUTE.' AND FOR A MINUTE, I THOUGHT, WOW, MAYBE HE FEELS LIKE, YOU KNOW, EXPERIMENTING IN THE BEDROOM OR SOMETHING. HE'S KINDA, WELL, BORING IN THAT REGARD. BUT ANYWAY, TURNS OUT SOME GUY AT THE SHOP WHERE HE WORKS SAID IT AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY OR SOMETHING. NOW I'M OUT $10 BUCKS FOR THIS TUBE OF ANAL-EZE I PICKED UP ON THE WAY HOME."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

TRUE TALES OF CITY LIFE


I'm sitting at the bus stop today, minding my own business, trying hard not to look like someone who actually takes the bus, when this well-dressed fellow sits next to me on the bench.
"I saw you eating a salad." he says. Abruptly. Out of the blue.
"Hmm," I say, wittily. "I don't think that was me." I haven't had a salad in months--years, if you're one of those self-important pricks who don't consider macaroni and cheese a salad.
"Those things will give you a bad case of the runs," he concludes. Abruptly.
I resume my "The bus? Oh, hell no, I'm just waiting for my supermodel wife to pull the Humvee around so we can get this whole Coronation thing over with" pose, but I'm mildly shaken.
How did he know I had the runs?
Eerie.

Monday, March 05, 2007

OK, SO LONG AS MR. MUCUS AND DIGGER THE DERMATOPHYTE DON'T END UP AS SATURDAY MORING CARTOONS, I'M COOL

Animated toenail goblins just don't do it for me. Ya know?

Monday, February 26, 2007

HELP NEEDED


I am currently involved in a research project and need photos of naked strangers, preferably female, or females engaged with males in various stages of copulation, up to and including anal sodomy performed on a marching band. If you have any clear, unstained photos of naked strangers, or are yourself a stranger, and naked, please send any and all photos, videos, plaster impressions, or unwashed undergarments to me, care of this blog. Thank you.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

One Man's Simple Wish...






ALL I WANT FROM LIFE IS FOR ASHLEY JUDD TO SUCK MY BALLS



Is that asking so much?

RANDOM BLASPHEMY, VOL. 16

JESUS ADMITS HE "HASN'T DONE A GODDAMNED THING" LAST 2000 YEARS

"BEEN CRASHED ON THE COUCH IN DAD'S DEN" SINCE DARK AGES, CONFESSES THE LORD AND PERSONAL SAVIOR OF MILLIONS. "FUCK MAN, THERE'S NOTHIN' TO DO UP HERE. HELL IS WHERE THE ACTION IS. LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY--HELL GOT ANNA NICOLE SMITH, WE GOT HER FUCKIN' SON. SHIT, MAN. SHIT."

CONCLUSIVE EVIDENCE THAT BEER IS BAD FOR YOU



WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?

LANE BRYANT AD KINDA TURNING ME ON




GOD HELP ME, I TOUCHED MYSELF




TWO MORE BEERS AND I'LL BE HERE

WHAT'S IN A NAME?

I FUCKING LOVE THIS GUY




WARNING: APPROXIMATELY FOUR MINUTES OF YOUR LIFE YOU'LL NEVER GET BACK!

NOT FUNNY OR ANYTHING, BUT COOL IF YOU ASK ME

HANK WILLIAMS AND JUNE CARTER, 1952



He died a year later, which means he's 28 in this video. 28?

TRAGICALLY IRONIC NEARLY

AL GORE SUFFERING "GLOBAL BLOATING"

ENDOCRINOLOGISTS FEAR THAT "UNLESS HE STOPS WANTONLY CONSUMING THE PLANET'S RESOURCES," GORE'S TERRIFYING EXPANSION WILL CONTINUE UNABATED

___________________

KINDA HOPE THIS IS TRUE

IGNORED BOYFRIEND STRUMS GUITAR IN BEDROOM, OOZES FORLORN SENSITIVITY"You go ahead and ignore me, act all cold and pissed-off, see if I care. I'm creative and sensitive, can't you see that? Listen as I strum these heart-wrenching chords. Hear my aching soul reach out to the stars for inspiration. Weep as I--Goddamnit!--look at me in here! I'm an ARTIST or something, for fuck's sake! Fine. Fuck you. I'm outta here..."

Friday, February 23, 2007

Hey, the collar matches the cuffs...

BRITNEY'S NEWLY SHAVEN HEAD NOW FITS EVEN MORE SNUGLY UP HER OWN ASS

"A DAB OF VASELINE" AND IT SLIPS THROUGH THE SINGER'S SPHINCTER WITH EASE

" I GOT THE IDEA FROM KEVIN, Y'ALL," SAYS THE FORMER POP-STAR

IT'S A RECORD, FOLKS

Anne Nicole Smith's Body Has Gone 5 Days Without a Penis Inside It.


LONGEST DRY-SPELL SINCE SIXTH-GRADE FOR DEAD BLONDE BOMBSHELL/WHORE

Thursday, October 26, 2006

AMAZING WHAT A HAIRCUT AND MICRODERMABRASION CAN DO.
















TOP PHOTO: CLOONEY BEFORE "LIFE-CHANGING" NOSE JOB

Monday, October 23, 2006


NORTH KOREA DETONATES ANOTHER "NUCLEAR BOMB"

"JUST WAIT UNTIL WE ALL JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME--THE EARTH WILL TREMBLE AT OUR STRENGTH!" PRONOUNCED GREAT GLORIOUS LEADER KIM-JONG-IL

Monday, October 16, 2006

More Tragedy for Steve Irwin's Family


STEVE IRWIN'S DAUGHTER KILLED IN FREAK HAMSTER ATTACK
SHE WAS TAPING EPISODE OF HER UPCOMING ANIMAL SHOW FOR KIDS; "ONE MOMENT SHE WAS CUDDLING THIS CUTE LITTLE RODENT, THE NEXT MINUTE IT WAS GNAWING A HOLE IN HER NECK"
HAMSTER CHEWED THROUGH HER JUGULAR VEIN; EVIDENCE SUGGESTS SHE WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED AS WELL

IRONICALLY, SHE "HATED" HAMSTERS; "BLIMEY, MATE, SHE COULDN'T STAND THE VICIOUS FUCKERS," SAID A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE IRWIN FAMILY

Thursday, July 27, 2006


MADAME TUSSAUD'S DISPLAYS WAX VERSION OF BABY SHILOH JOLIE-PITT

WAX FIGURE HAS "MORE PERSONALITY THAN HER DAD," SAY THOSE WHO'VE SEEN IT.

SAY IT AINT SO....

THIS GUY IS GAY?




I AM STUNNED. STUNNED, I TELL YA.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

I WANT YOUR SEX (AND HIS. AND HEY, HIS, TOO.)

"MEGA-RICH pop superstar George Michael this week sank to new levels of depravity—trawling for illegal gay sex in a London park.
News of the World investigators caught the singer red-handed and red-faced as he emerged from the bushes after cavorting with a pot-bellied, 58-year-old, jobless van driver."

GEORGE MICHAEL CAUGHT HAVING SEX IN WOODS WITH THIS GUY...
...AND THESE GUYS...
...AND THESE GUYS...
...AND THESE GUYS.
NAOMI CAMPBELL ATTACKS, BRUTALLY SLAYS 27 PARTYGOERS OUTSIDE NYC NIGHTCLUB



"SHE COULDN'T GET A CAB," SAYS WOUNDED EYEWITNESS. "SHE SEEMED ANGRY."

ARMED WITH CELL PHONE, HIGH HEELED SHOE, MODEL BEATS VICTIMS TO DEATH, FLEES SCENE ON FOOT.
MANHUNT UNDERWAY.

Friday, July 21, 2006

"Sixteen people have died so far across Europe, where thermometers have hovered over the 30 degrees Celsius mark (86 degrees Fahrenheit) for several days."
PUSSIES!
HERE'S OUR WEATHER FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS (AND MONTHS)
Friday: 93°F
Saturday: 95°F
Sunday: 91°F

Monday, July 17, 2006

SINGER SHAKIRA CLAIMS THERE'S "NOTHING SEXUAL" ABOUT THE TITLE OF HER LATEST RECORD, 'ORAL FIXATION'
"WHERE I COME FROM, THERE IS NOTHING AT ALL SEXUAL ABOUT TAKING THE SHAFT OF A MAN'S ROCK-HARD PENIS AND SUCKING IT INTO MY THROAT BEFORE GREEDILY SWALLOWING EVERY DROP OF PRECIOUS CREAM FROM HIS BEAUTIFUL BALL SAC--IT'S JUST OUR WAY OF SAYING 'HELLO, I AM PLEASED TO MEET YOU,'" THE INSANELY GORGEOUS LATIN-AMERICAN SINGER/COCKSUCKER EXPLAINED.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE ADMITS USING DRUGS; DRUG ABUSERS WORLDWIDE EMBARRASSED, WORRIED HIS DRUGS MIGHT BE HIGHER QUALITY

"If he's using drugs, how come his music isn't better?" asked a typical drug user. "I mean, OK, he's got the I-Musta-Been-High haircut, but where's his Sgt. Pepper? His Exile on Mainstreet? His Nevermind? And where do you think he might be scoring? I'd like to try some of that Timberlake shit."

LAZY SUNDAY CUT-N-PASTE

From craigslist:

Keep Your Goddamn Anal Beads Out of the Dishwasher!

Reply to: Date: 2006-06-02, 4:38PM

Dave, We've been roommates for what? A year and a half now? Three guys living together, we've learned to deal with each other's idiosyncrasies. We let a lot of shit slide. But you need to keep your anal beads out of the dishwaher. If your too damn lazy to wash them by hand, then you and your girlfriend are going to have to "do without". I don't want to see them. Nor do I want you to regale us with the story of how your girlfriend shoved them up your ass the other night. This is just common roommate courtesy. Thank you. Your roommate.
Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/wdc/167345070.html


Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: The fridge doesn't come with a pedigree!

Reply to: Date: 2006-06-25, 8:44AM

Dear Crazy-As-Bat-Shit-Lady: I am honored that you chose my ad for a mini fridge out of all the ads you could have chosen. It makes me feel good that my mini fridge will be supplying you with the ice cold beverages you've obviously become accustomed to. Next time you answer one of my ads, please note the following: 1. I am not Home Depot. If you travel thirty minutes to pick up a bulky 40-pound object, please come prepared with the necessary items you'll need to secure it to your vehicle. Yes, I have rope. I have a lot of rope. I have many different colors and sizes of rope. No, you can not have my rope. The ad said I was selling a fridge, not a fridge with rope. Nor was I selling a fridge with padding so that the pleather seats on your piece of crap car don't get marked up. 2. What part of 'buyer must pick up' in the ad was confusing to you? Yes, I have a vehicle. No, I don't want to haul your fridge all the way to East BumbleFuck on the hottest day of the year. No, I'm really really sure I don't want to do that. No, really. I'm sure. 3. Please call me only once with ALL your questions. I left for the day, and had 5 messages on my answering machine, the last one was at 10:30 pm. Frankly lady, you were sounding a bit too crazy by the end of the day. It's a fridge. A small metal box that keeps shit cold. I don't have the fridge's family tree. For all I know the fridge's was conceived by a slutty young Maytag that graced some hillbilly's side porch. I don't know the exact age of the fridge. I bought it a few months ago, I used it for a couple of days, ok, I lied, I used it a whole week. The fact is, you're not buying a race horse, you're buying a used fridge. 4. No, I will not knock $10 bucks off the price of the fridge because your anal retentive eyes picked up the ittiest, bittiest hairline scratch from across my driveway. I'm not making judgements on you, but I'm pretty damn sure Donald Trump didn't send you across the country to pick up a used fridge for Trump Towers. Though I'd wager the whole concept of the mini-fridge bar is a familar one to you. 5. Yes, you can unplug a fridge without any harm to the fridge. Believe me, the fridge is fine. The manufacturers have figured out a way to extend the life of a fridge that has been unplugged. Yes, I'm absolutely sure of that. No, you did not have to leave 2 messages about your concerns with the fridge being unplugged, and frankly it was a little embarrassing having the same conversation with you in my driveway where my neighbors could hear. 6. No, I don't have the operating instructions. I can write them down for you though: Plug fridge in. Open door. Put crap inside. Take crap out when it's cold. Eat or drink crap. 7. I am not a fridge pimp. I don't have any more fridges at that price. No, I don't know where you can get another fridge at that price. Yes, I know it's in great condition for the price, and I'm sure you'd like your other crazy-as-bat-shit-mini-fridge-buying-friends to have one just like it, but this is all I have. Here's a thought, there's this online classified ads website. Yeah, you may have heard of it, it's called CRAIGSLIST. I dunno, maybe, just maybe, in this great land of ours, there's another mini-fridge being advertised there. 8. Please remove my phone number from your address book. I think our relationship is over. Oh, and if you've added me to your AIM Buddy List, please delete me. Please. I beg you. Yours truly, The mini-fridge seller
Original URL: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/175240913.html

Monday, July 10, 2006

BASED ON OPENING WEEK BOX-OFFICE...

It's Official!
"Dead Man's Chest" Greatest Movie of All-Time
It's better than Citizen Kane--and longer, too.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

UNCOOL GUY WHO HAS ACID WON'T SELL ANY TO HIS FRIENDS

"Dude, what if i get, like, inspired to write the greatest shit ever? I might need an extra hit or two, " says Eb Hawkings, who won't just be cool and sell a few hits to his buddies.

MY PENIS SEEMS SO MUCH LARGER IN MY HAND

Psychological illusion caused by alcohol, wishful thinking, and tiny hands.








Call me, Ashley baby.
I'll cheer you up. I'll cheer you up good.


Wednesday, July 05, 2006

KEN LAY DIES; SHARES OF HELL UP 20 POINTS
"Look, Hell's been undervalued for a long time--since the Middle Ages, actually. So I needed a "Go-To" kinda guy like Lay," says a pleased Satan. "If anybody can sell Hell, it's this lyin', thieving fuck."

Monday, May 29, 2006

PAT ROBERTSON NOW HEARING VOICE OF OPRAH WINFREY IN HIS HEAD

"God--the Old One, that is--hasn't done much for me lately," remarks the mentally unstable evangelist. "But O commands me now, and I must do her bidding."

Bitch



ASHLEY JUDD REFUSES TO FUCK ME

Won't Even Acknowledge My Existence
LOOK FOR MY NEW BLOG, "WOMEN WHO REFUSE TO FUCK ME," COMING SOON

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